“We’re having a baby boy. WE-ARE-HAVING-A-BABY-BOY.” These words still sound so strange and foreign when we say them aloud. It’s the most surreal and terrifying words we’ve ever spoken. If you’ve been following along with our story over the last five years, you know that it’s taken A LOT to get to this day. It’s taken ongoing heartbreak. Heart-shattering moments that left us feeling like we may not survive it at all. That we just didn’t have the strength to keep going. To endure such tragedy over and over again. We didn’t think our hearts could take any more hurt. Any more loss. We questioned God and our purpose on Earth. We weren’t sure what we were to do with our lives without these plans that we were so set on experiencing together. There was so much darkness. So much anger and doubt.
But amidst it all, we continued to hang on for dear life. And we did it together. I like to picture Brad and I shipwrecked in the middle of the ocean. Hanging on to some sort of leftover ship part, floating and waiting for rescue. An abyss of open currents in front of us. Ready to swallow us whole. As if we were never there to begin with. In this moment, two options: sink or swim. We could let go. We could fall into our doubts. Into our temptations. “God isn’t here for us. He is nowhere to be found. Why won’t He give us what we desire? Why isn’t He rescuing us from this? Why does He want us to suffer like this?”
We could just let it all go. Stop the hurt. Cease to fight. OR, we could keep swimming. Keep hanging on for the dream we knew God placed in our hearts for a reason. To hang on to that undeniable faith and trust in Him. That without a shadow of a doubt, He was with us. He was working in all of this on our behalf. That He was going to take our pain and loss and turn it into something beautiful. That would not only shape who we are and who we would become, but also shape and help anyone following along with our story. So, we swam. “God, we trust you. We follow you. We are waiting for you. We are here and we won’t let go. Work in us. Work for us. We give it all up to you.” And while the currents didn’t cease to flow, we slowly gained more buoyancy. He was our life raft.
Somewhere in the middle of floating in the ocean, God sent us rescue. While I cannot say that it was approached with as much grace as I would like to admit, He sent it. The idea of getting a gestational carrier broke my heart. Which looking back at it now, I wish I could have known how beautiful this experience could be. But, we are human. And in this moment, I was very much human. I wanted this all on MY terms. I wanted to be the one who was pregnant. I wanted to carry our baby. Even when Brad was ready to move forward in finding a carrier, I fought it. I was ready to stay in the currents and continue to float in the abyss of the ocean. I was willing to give it all up and to just continue to tread with zero hope and trust. It seemed easier. I knew my heart was used to that kind of pain. I could handle it. I was seasoned. I got really good at floating.
But, you know that moment in the movie when they are floating, awaiting rescue, and they see the light from a boat? When they hear the sound of a horn? That look on their faces. It’s like they are awoken from a nightmare. That FINALLY they found rescue. Or, more importantly, rescue found them. After a year of waiting to be ready for this choice, of asking God to change my heart, I awoke one day and saw it. I felt it. God made it crystal clear. This was going to be our rescue. I needed to trust it. To fight the urge to disbelieve it. AND TO SWIM. Swim to that boat. Swim for the help. Grab a hold of the rest of our lives. And that’s exactly what we did.
And here we are. Five years later. Four of our sweet babies in heaven with Jesus. Their baby brother on the way. VIA a gestional carrier.
RESCUE. God, thank you for not letting us give up. For holding us tight when we wanted to let go. You are our hero.
A Prayer to God and our sweet babies:
God, thank you for this day. This precious day that we have been awaiting for longer than we ever could have imagined. A day we have dreamt up in our minds time and time again and have continued to pray endlessly for all these years.
Brad and I began our journey to parenthood in 2016. It’s something we always talked about and could not wait to get started on. After three natural pregnancies ending in miscarriage, we sought IVF. Our doctor questioned our embryos and their genetic makeup. Doing IVF with genetic testing was the best way to know if we were able to create genetically normal embryos.
Romans 12:12 says; “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” This verse has given us so much strength over the years. Amidst our loss, tears and disappointment, our hope in You is what continued to get us through each difficult time and through every loss. Our hope in your story for us and our family was what we continued to focus on and gain courage to keep going. We knew it was going to be a beautiful story. Epic. But beautiful stories do not come without difficult chapters sometimes.
After two egg retrievals and two failed frozen embryo transfers with genetically normal embryos, we finally became pregnant from our third embryo transfer. Just shy of eight weeks, we suffered our fourth miscarriage.
To our sweet babies in heaven, we love you so much. We cannot wait for the day that we can meet you and hold you close.
We knew that God was calling us to make a change. To choose something different for our story and family. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same action over and over and incurring the same result. It took a year of prayer and self reflection to gain the strength and courage to seek a gestational carrier. It was something I myself fought with great strength. I longed to carry our baby inside of me but knew that God may have other plans for our family. We finally reached acceptance and felt a great peace about moving forward. We found the most amazing woman to help us bring a baby Earthside.
In February of this year, we had a frozen embryo transfer with our gestational carrier and on February 23rd, we found out we were pregnant for the fifth time. It’s a boy.
We cannot wait to tell your baby brother of you and the story of our family. We are so thankful for each of you and are so happy that you are happy and at peace with Jesus. While we miss you right now more than words could ever express, our love for you goes beyond explanation. Today, on this most precious day, we honor you and are send up our love to you. We love you.
Baby Boy is excepted to arrive October 30th of this year. There are no words to ever express the joy and the fear we have in our hearts as we await his arrival. We hope that this video helps to showcase the journey we have been on the last five years and the incredible love we have for Baby Boy, our precious babies in heaven, our sweet carrier and to our Heavenly Father.
God, thank you for showing us this path and leading us to today. Thank you for the work of your hands bringing our beautiful gestational carrier into our lives to help us bring our sweet little guy into the world. Thank you for our sweet little blessing on the way. We cannot wait to welcome our son Earthside and teach him of your love. We cannot wait for the day to all be reunited with You. Today, we send up our love and thanks.
We cannot wait to see this story unfold at the will of God’s hands. We are eternally grateful. We love you, Baby Boy. We hope to see you here so soon!
Love, Mom and Dad
Photos: Thank you to our beautiful sister, Skye Wilson, of SoCreativeCo for taking these beautiful pictures and forever capturing this memory for our family. We love you.
Video: Thank you to Franz Lazaro for creating such a beautiful video that depicts our hearts and our story so beautifully. So grateful.